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VOLUME I
By: MT
I’ve always been a fan of pieces of cinema depicting teens using obscure talents and skills to solve their problems, save the day, and/or get the girl. This premise, which seems to work best when set in the 1980’s, has given us such classic Oscar winners as “Over the Top”, “Stomp the Yard”, “Rad”, and “Airborne.” “The Karate Kid” may seem to have a lot in common with these aforementioned masterpieces, but upon review, we can see “The Karate Kid” differs from the rest in one crucial way. All of these other movies have a hero you root for, where upon a closer look, the “heroes” here (Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRusso) are nothing but two worthless human beings.
Before I get into that, let’s take it right from the top.
Chapter I: The Unusual Decision
This LaRusso family isn’t quite normal to begin with.
For starters, as they are pulling away for the voyage from Newark, NJ to Reseda, CA, you notice a few of Daniel’s friends waving at them, wishing for a safe trip. Here’s the only problem with this picture: all the kids waving are of an age ranging from 5-8 years old. Daniel LaRusso is a high school kid, and he’s hanging around with these little brats? What does he have, some sort of Alpha Male problem where he hangs out with younger kids just so he feels like he is the “man”? What a clown. And how big of a risk are they taking driving that piece-of-shit brown station wagon almost 4,000 miles to CA? Did they really think that piece of trash was going to make it all the way there? What if it died in the middle of the desert Mrs. LaRusso, what then? It seems pretty obvious that you don’t really think things through too well, because if you did, you wouldn’t have even gone all that way for a crappy job to begin with (but more on that later). It is obvious that there is something not quite kosher with this family.
And speaking of moving, say you were going to permanently move across the country, and you only had a station wagon to carry your life possessions, what would you bring? I would assume that normal people would bring as much clothing as possible, their important keepsakes, and small appliances that they would need. Well, not this family. Here’s what Mrs. LaRusso brought for their new life, and I’m not even fucking around when I say this, it was in the movie:
(Honestly, if you don’t believe me, watch it yourself. This is all she brings.):
1. A yellow empty laundry basket to hold all that clothes that she didn’t bring:
2. A boxful of empty Tupperware. (there was nothing in the Tupperware; JUST Tupperware):
3. And here’s the kicker, a clown marionette (yes, a string puppet), which she uses to “decorate” the empty bookshelf:
Seriously, you’re moving away for good and have limited space in your turd-mobile, and this is the goofy shit you bring? Almost makes Lloyd Christmas look like a genius when he bought that giant foam cowboy hat with the last of his money in the 90’s classic comedy, Dumb and Dumber. I don’t know what’s dumber; the shit that Mrs. LaRusso brought or the fact she totally uprooted and moved all the way to another coast for a supposed computer job that she seems to know nothing about. Dumb bitch. And lets not even get started on Daniel, all he brought was his crappy bike and a suitcase filled with what seems to be nothing, since he only wears 4 different sets of clothes throughout the whole damn movie. Filthy animal.
And what’s up with Daniel rocking a Wes Chandler San Diego Chargers jersey throughout the whole movie?
Daniel’s from New Jersey; there’s no fucking reason why he should be rooting for the Chargers. And it annoys me even further because in the early ‘80’s, the Chargers were a really good team with Dan Fouts and Kellen Winslow. Nobody likes a frontrunner and nobody likes YOU, Daniel. Or I guess the only other crappy reason he is wearing the jersey is because he wants to just “fit in” in Cali, kinda like how new immigrants to the US always end up buying a Yankees hat, as if we cant tell they’re new here to the country. “HEY! He’s wearing a Yankees hat, he must be American!”
Listen Daniel; you’re not fooling anyone with your antics. Nobody’s gonna mistake you for a Californian with that jersey (or the fact you’re the only Italian in the whole state), so why don’t you just keep it real and stay true to your NY Giants crap. Nobody likes a flip-flopper or a poser, pal.
And onto how Daniel’s compulsive lying gets into trouble. As he’s walking into that dilapidated roach motel he calls a home, he recklessly sidekicks the fence door open, knocking his new friend to the ground. Now the kid stands up and asks him and asks him, “Hey, you know karate?” and Daniel answers, “yes.”
NEWSFLASH: Hey Daniel, just because you can sidekick a door open DOES NOT mean you know karate, you liar. I have never taken a karate class once in my life, and I can fucking guarantee you that I can kick an unlocked door wide open. And guess what, I would never claim I know karate because of that simple feat.
This is where the other important villain comes into play: Mr. Miyagi. When the LaRusso’s first move in to their slumbox, the kitchen faucet is broken, and they tell Mr. Miyagi that it need to be fixed. Well only after a few days and a couple of Daniel beatings, he finally gets it fixed. What a lazy piece of shit, it’s not like he actually got anything better to do with his time (unless you consider trying to catch flies with chopsticks in that closet he works out of productive.) And while you’re at it Mr. Miyagi, why don’t you fix the goddamn pool, you sloth. You know the residents at the Southern Seas apartment complex ARE paying rent for a reason.
Back to that asshole, Daniel LaRusso. The guy he accidentally side kicked the door into with his super karate skills made the mistake to inviting Daniel to a beach party, which would seem like fun, if you consider NOT getting drunk, playing soccer for hours until the sun comes down while ignoring the hot chicks on the secluded beach fun. And this is where we meet one of the main protagonists, Ali Mills:
Chapter II: The Ali Enigma.
Wow! It really IS as big as my pinkie!!!
Before we continue on with the storyline, let’s take a moment to discuss what the fuck is Ali’s problem.
Ok, let’s take a good look at Daniel. There is absolutely nothing endearing about this skinny rat-faced punk.
Mac & Cheese eating mothefucker.
Now let’s take a look at Ali. Yes, super hot. The Anti-Daniel, if you will.
Yeah, I'd cum inside her.
Ok, let’s continue to observe the absurdity of the Daniel LaRusso/Ali Mills relationship. For starters, this is the beautiful city of Newark, NJ, where Daniel is from:
Newark, great place to visit.
Yeah, real lovely place to visit. I recommend visiting in the summertime, when the stench is at its absolute worst and the common street thugs are too hot and tired to steal your hubcaps.
One of the nicer parts of town
Ah yes, Newark, NJ, American center of the Portuguese community, home of the original Race Riots, capital city of carjacking, and birth place of Ian Ziering.
I'm Steve Sanders, motherfucker!!!
Yes Daniel is from Newark, NJ, the hemorrhoid on the asshole of America. Only three types of People are from Newark,
1. This guy,
Sweet backwards visor, Brah.
2. Retards born from the slew of toxins in the area.
Ha-Ha, you're retarded and I'm not.
3. And homeless bums.
Get a job.
Yeah, this is where Daniel LaRusso is from, and believe me, as a guy who’s from Jersey who’s been to Newark a quite few times, I feel that I’m sugarcoating Newark with my description, its total dump with no redeeming qualities. Now, let’s look at where the super-sexy Ali Mills is from: Encino, CA:
“Gee hon, isn't our son swell? Yes, dear. Isn’t LIFE swell?”
Encino, Home of clean fun in the sun,
Rich people…
My second job is buying and selling people.
…and Encino Man…
…. And C’mon, Ali’s rich and lives in a mansion.
Basically, Encino is Awesome. Newark is not. People from Encino are awesome. People from Newark are shitty. So what the hell is a chick like Ali doing with Daniel LaRusso? She’s the hottest chick at school. Honestly, the only reason I can think of is that Ali just wanted to fuck something weird. I mean, every guy does it, and maybe chicks do too. Like me, if I had a chance to nail a freaky looking paraplegic or your grandmother, I would do it in a heartbeat. You know why? Just so I can say I did it. Maybe that is what was going through Ali’s head. She probably been with so many good looking, rich, tall, blonde hair, blue eyed guys like Johnny Lawrence that she felt like doing something new and went slumming for a troll like Daniel. All chicks go through a slumming period; maybe this was it for Ali (how you think I get laid? Yep, because of chicks slumming.)
Ok back to the beach scene. Daniel decides the best way o get in Ali’s pants is to teach her some basic soccer tricks that anyone can do and, in typical Daniel-lying-his-ass-off fashion (see the scene where he said he knew karate), acts like he’s some soccer god. Daniel as a real serious problem with inflating himself; first he claims to know karate, now he portrays himself to be awesome at soccer. Keep it real Dan, keep it real. And by the way, purple sweatpants were never cool, not even in the 80’s. And to think you only brought one suitcase across the USA, and you bring purple sweatpants? Loser.
Ok now this is the only time in the entire movie where I felt some sympathy for Daniel. His new friends egged him on to hit on Ali, yet none of them happened to mention that she used to go out with the two-time valley champion in karate, Mr. Johnny Lawrence. Like, what a bunch of dickheads. None of them could have given him the heads up? All they had to say was “Yo Dan, let this one go; her ex-boyfriend is the coolest dude in school and he will beat the shit out of you. He’s a fucking karate champ.” But NOOOOOOO, they couldn’t give him a heads up on this. And even worse when he does stand up for her and fights Johnny, which to me is a noble, yet stupid thing to do (me fight over a chick? Never), they mock the friend who brought Daniel by saying “where’d you find this guy?
Chapter III: Heeere’s Johnny!!!
Who's crazier then me? Terry Silver.
Now let’s introduce the misunderstood character that revolutionized ‘80’s cinema, Mr. Johnny Lawrence. As much as I want to blame Daniel’s new friends for not telling him that Johnny is not the dude to mess with, Daniel should have known better for three reasons:
1. Johnny was wearing a headband, which in the ‘80’s meant “Bad Motherfucker”.
2. Johnny and his crew were wearing the same leather Kobra Kai jackets that only differed in color. This should have told Daniel that it wasn’t a good idea to fuck with them (didn’t he ever see “The Warriors?”)
I wouldn't fuck with these dudes.
3. And this was the biggest telltale sign, which amazes me that Daniel totally missed…THEY WERE ALL ON MOTORBIKES!!!! Maybe the average movie watcher doesn’t realize this, but in the ‘80’s if you were a teenager with a motorbike, you were the shit. Like a teen in the ‘80’s with a motorbike is the equivalent to a teenager today with a teardrop tattoo under his left eye, Desert Eagle in his waistband while flipping gang signs with their hands. Real gangsta shit. You don’t fuck with these people, and you know they mean business. I don’t know how else to stress this, but teenagers on motorbikes were not to be toyed with in the ‘80’s.
“Mother, tell your children not to walk my way.”
But does Daniel take note of the situation and stays out of it? No, because he’s an obtuse putz, that’s why.
The evidence is now overwhelming that Johnny Lawrence is NOT the guy to mess with. And it seems like anyone who has an IQ higher then a bag of dildos can obviously realize it; everyone but that dullard Daniel. Every guy in the world has been in a situation where you’re at a social setting, like a bar or a party, and you strike up a conversation with an attractive girl. Now you’re talking to her, things are looking good, and you begin to think to yourself “Yo, I think I got a good shot at nailing this. Sweet! Now don’t screw it up by saying something stupid.” Then it happens; the figurative Serena Williams image that ruins your erection, the “other guy” she happened not to tell you about walks into the picture and wants to “talk” to her. Cue in everything falling apart.
“Dude looks like a lady.”
Every guy has had this happen to them, where the girl you thought you had a shot with turns out to have a little excess baggage that they conveniently forgot to mention to you (boyfriend or even worse, a stronger ex-boyfriend), and every guy knows that when he shows up, it’s time to cut your loses and move on. Girls with that situation on their hands aren’t worth it. Yet somehow all of this is lost on Daniel, and instead of walking away, he decides to mettle in Johnny and Ali’s business. Danny, it’s a radio. A fucking stupid radio, and yet you allow it to be the catalyst of your own downfall. Let the fight begin!
Chapter IV: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
As absurd as it already is that Daniel is actually going to fight a guy he doesn’t know who rolled in on a motorbike, has a headband on, and wearing the leather jacket, there are still a few things that Daniel could have done to make the situation better.
1. It’s always a good idea to at least size up an opponent before you fight him, because it honestly makes no Goddamn sense to run right at him so he can just easily trip you with his leg. TWICE.
2. Getting into a karate stance without actually knowing karate during a fight only makes you look like an even bigger asshole once you get your ass handed back to you.
3. No one likes a whiny pussy, Daniel. Johnny trips you, making you land on the sand, and you lie there momentarily wincing in pain? Dude, it’s fucking sand; not concrete or asphalt. Falling on sand hurts about as much as…sleeping? I don’t know. Point is, sand doesn’t hurt.
4. Be cogniscent of your surroundings when fighting a two-time Valley Karate Champ. Jesus, you could have a least thrown handful of sand in his eyes, even up the odds a bit. Remember kids; you can’t hit what your eyes can’t see. All’s fair in a crappy beach karate fight.
5. During the fight, as you were crouched over in pain, you do have a minor moment of cowardly victory when you sucker punch Johnny in the face. Good for you. But to then state to him “ok, now we’re even”, let me step in and field that pseudo-question for Mr. Lawrence: No. Not in the least bit. You just punched him in the face, Daniel. He’s obviously not going to call it quits right there and then. Johnny’s a winner, and winners don’t quit; they hit back harder.
This beach scene to me is truly my favorite due to its sincerity. It portrays best what happens in the real world. When dudes get involved in other people’s business, they get their ass kicked, and for good reason. Personally if thy ended the movie right here, it would have been a flawless masterpiece. But alas, they draw it out anyway.
Chapter V: We’re Not In Kansas Anymore.
Fresh off his well deserved beat down, Daniel embarks on his journey to a new school, but before he does that he encounters his mother at the kitchen table. Hilarity ensues. For starters, he walks into the kitchen wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses to cover up the black eye that he somehow got at the beach, even though it didn’t really seem like Johnny got a good shot at his face. But then again, this is Daniel we’re talking about, puniness personified, so maybe a gut shot to him could defy the laws of physics and lead to a black eye on the wimp. Back to the aviator sunglasses he was wearing, goodness he looked like such a douche with those things on. Almost single-handedly destroyed the aviator sunglasses look, kind of like how Hitler forever destroyed the Chaplin mini moustache. LaRusso is the Anti-Cobra, if you will:
How REAL men pull it off.
And yet here is another example of how bad of a liar LaRusso is, and this totally tops his previous claims of knowing how to play soccer and karate; when asked by his loudmouth bitch of a mother how e got his black eye, Daniel responds “I fell off my bike”…
…. Take a second to digest this…
…Is it sinking in yet what he said?...
………………..WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daniel actually has the balls to say he got black eye by falling off his damn bike? Are you kidding me! This lie is even worse then when he told Ali’s friend at school that his bike was a “Miyagi Turbo” in the very next scene. First its karate, then its soccer, then its falling off his bike, then it’s the Miyagi Turbo fabrication; do these deceitful web of lies ever stop, Dan? Man up, you jerk. And please don’t think I’m letting Mrs. LaRusso off the hook here; how dumb must you be to believe that crap? Mrs. LaRusso, do you even give a shit at this point about your son? You make Andrea Yates look like the Mother of the Year with this crap. I mean first off you moved all the way across the country for some bootleg job you have no knowledge of without even asking him, and now you believe these tall tales he’s telling you? Thank God you produced no more kids because I’d bet my last quarter they’d grow up to be junkies or hookers with your apparent lack of supervision. You know what would happen if I came home to my mother with a black eye, and I told her that I got it from falling off my bike? She would throw a dirty look at me, move towards the counter, pull out the wooden spoon (it’s a Portuguese thing; you wouldn’t understand) and proceed to pummel me, definitely give me another black eye as well. You know why? Because she doesn’t like getting her intelligence insulted and she gives a shit, that’s why.
(Cue in “Cruel Summer” by Bananarama.)
Ah Yes, the first day of school is here. A chance for a clean start for Daniel, make some new friends, slam some hot Cali Blondie’s; the world is his oyster as long as he plays his cards right. But then again, this is Daniel we are talking about here, so we know he’ll fuck it up quickly.
…And Daniel doesn’t let me down.
As soon as he gets to school, he sees the great Johnny Lawrence. A chance to make eye contact is here, a chance for Dan to clear the air and NOT make his High School life miserable. Jesus, would it have been so difficult to just walk up to the guy and just try and settle it right there? I mean, he could have just told him that she never told him that she had a boyfriend, and none of the other dudes at the beach told him that she was taken.
You know, maybe this would have worked, maybe it wouldn’t, but at least it’s worth a shot and definitely wouldn’t have made the situation worse. Johnny would have probably even respected you for stepping up to him and his boys alone to say your piece. The dumbest thing a kid can do in his high school career is to piss off the toughest kid in school, especially on the first damn day. It’s the equivalent of social suicide. But Daniel, aloof to the rules of high school, doesn’t do this, and the yet again pisses Johnny off by talking to Ali. Apparently he still doesn’t realize that she’s just going to get him killed.
Chapter VI: Hey Daniel, You’re No Pele.
You fucking suck, LaRusso!!!
So anyway, Daniel decides to continue to talk to Ali “bad news” Mills, even though she’s been nothing but trouble, and he’s already been through all this crap and he only found out her name right now. Believe me if I’m going to get my ass kicked over a girl, I’ll be sure that I know her name already. But I guess he likes getting his head kicked in for some random chick. Whatever, dumb dudes do dumb things. And how not smooth is Daniel? When he asks her (finally) her name, she says, “Ali, with an “I””, to which he responds “I’m Daniel, with an “L””. Yeah, real smooth, a modern day Don Juan over here. Any more cheesy things you want to say? Honestly, I’m going to do that the next time I’m at a bar and a chick asks me what’s my name (Marco, with an “O”’) just to see that look of “Are you retarded?” on the chick’s face. But then again, this is the ‘80’s, and one thing I’ve learned over the years is that in the ‘80’s anything goes, and sadly seems to work.
Anyway, this is when Daniel finds out that there will be soccer team tryouts later that day. So Daniel shows up, they have a little scrimmage, and one of the guys happens to slide tackle Daniel in order to get the ball.
Look, a slide tackle is a common defensive technique to steal the ball from a player with possession of the ball. It’s done in every soccer game, from Peewee leagues all the way to the pros. Sometimes it’s a foul, sometimes its not. But what does Daniel do after he got slide tackled? He gets up and just cowardly punches the guy in the face - a total cheap shot. Are you kidding me Dan?! What the hell is that all about?! Why blow a chance to make the team like that? For a guy who acts like he’s such a soccer stud, you should be used to it. What, little pussy can’t handle a little contact? What a total punk. And it’s not like he got “Zidane’d” on the field by the guy to warrant a punch:
Zidane ready to take out yet another bad Italian actor.
Honestly, it was a typical slide tackle - it was aggressive, but still a tackle. And it was from the side (not from behind, which is a no-no). But Daniel just can’t handle it. My little brother Ronaldo (not the fat, lazy, piece-of-shit Brazilian player, the Portuguese star) gets fouled all the time and a lot harder, and you don’t see him bitching and moaning, and definitely you don’t see him get up and slug other players. He just gets up and scores goals.
Dear God: Please let Johnny beat the shit out of Larusso. Amen.
But you instead just punch out a guy who you don’t know is friends with Johnny for fouling you? Punk, you were probably just doing that so you would get thrown out of practice and hide the fact you got no skills. Either way, you’re just a plain goon, and don’t belong on a team. And no wonder why everyone hates you; you go around trying to be a hard-ass. First at the beach and now you’re sneaking guys in the face over a soccer foul, I would beat your ass too.
So it finally settles into Daniel’s thick skull that he is pretty much fucked, which is a great thing, because he deserves it. So what does he do? He decides to learn karate from a book at home. Wow, how pointless. Who the hell learns anything from a book? It’s like learning how to take a jump shot or how to tackle in football; you can’t learn it from a book. Waste of time, but then again, Dan’s got a lot of that because he has no friends and is a loser. By the way, remember how I said earlier that Mr. Miyagi takes forever to fix the sink? Well, he finally fixes it now. Maybe he could finally get to work on the pool now, but he probably wont, since he’s so busy doing...nothing.
I guess it finally set in that learning karate out of a book is just going to amount to nothing, because Dan finally decides to join a Dojo for real training. Ok, that’s a good move the right direction, but why didn’t it cross Daniel’s mind for a second that the two-time karate champ and his pals might go to the local Dojo as well? Shouldn’t you have done a little bit of research about where Johnny goes for training (and by “research” I mean, “just look at his damn jacket and other clothing, because he’s got Kobra Kai patches on just about everything he wears”) or at least look in the window of the Dojo to make sure he doesn’t train there. C’mon now, Dojo’s aren’t like supermarkets, where there’s one on every corner; I’m sure there was only less then a handful in a 20 mile radius. But no, Daniel just waltzes right in there, completely oblivious to the fact that Johnny and Co. might be there, and ends up making an even bigger ass of himself when Johnny spots him (which by this time I didn’t think was possible. Also, if you look closely you’ll see Lamar from “Revenge of the Nerds” in the background as the only black guy in the entire film.)
This inspired me to just take a look for myself to see how many Dojo’s are in Reseda, CA. Granted, a lot can change over the years, but currently there are only two Dojo’s there, and about seven total in a 20 mile radius. Keep in mind Daniel rides his bike everywhere he goes though.
Don’t believe me? Fuck you, here is a link. Look for yourself. I even used his real address of:
19223 Saticoy St. Apt 20
Reseda, CA 91335
http://www.google.com/maps?hl=en&q=dojo&near=Reseda,+CA&sa=X&oi=local&ct=title
(Side note: Sadly I’m realizing if I put half the effort into college that I put into this thesis, I would have had a 4.0, easy. I’m such a fucking stupid idiot)
It just so happens that Daniel’s thick-headed mom is right across the street in the Orient Express Restaurant. I guess she doesn’t actually have to physically go to work for her new computer job she supposedly got. So as Daniel and his mom are having lunch, thankfully Johnny and Co. walk out from practice and notice him in the window. Let the fun begin…
Chapter VII: “I Hate This Friggin’ Bike!”
And it probably hates you too, LaRusso. So somehow hours elapse during the lunch with his mother, and Daniel end up riding his bike home in the darkness. In a swift display of Awesomeness, Johnny and his pals ride by on their motorbikes. What does Daniel do about it? That’s right, the dumbest option possible by taking a sharp turn right down a steep hill. Hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, Daniel doesn’t snap the third and fourth vertebrae in his neck and end this movie on a positive note. Instead he lives and cries like a little Mary about it. He then trashes his “Miyagi Turbo” bike (btw, at the time he first says this in the movie, he hasn’t figured out Mr. Miyagi’s name yet in the film.)
Either way, everything is looking like a total feel good movie so far; Daniel sucks, Johnny’s the man, and Johnny is just giving Daniel exactly what he deserves. Then everything changes when what I call the “Miyagi Paradox” comes into play…
STAY TUNED FOR *VOLUME II* SOON!
Quick note from the author:
Me on a good day.
You may be asking yourself “Why is he wasting time writing this?” Because anywhere you go where Karate Kid gets mentioned (I bet to no one’s surprise here, it happens to me A LOT) there’s always one person who claims the know that movie really well, then when you ask them or mention a certain part of the movie, they “don’t remember”, and that they “really like the tiger crane scene at the end”. Fucking amateurs. Well, guess what, you don’t know jack shit then, so in the future keep your mouth shut and let the real men talk about the finer points of this classic. I also choose to write this because the truth about Daniel’s treachery must be told and I felt it is necessary to clear up any Misconceptions of Johnny Lawrence. And also, I have yet to read a fully comprehensive review of the film and all its nuances, figured I should take up the bold task.
But in all honesty I wrote this to pick up chicks. Chicks dig dudes who know their Karate Kid (or at least they do in my fantasy world).
-Thanks to Delli for formatting the pics and to Paul & Mark for doing some editing.
You got shit to say about the article, have questions, wanna fight me on a beach over a crappy radio, or are a chick who wants to do me? Say it to my face in the comments below:
