Things you don't need to ask at the Jersey Shore

Yes it's been quite some time since i last wrote or did... anything really, but hey, it's always a good time to start. And maybe its because it's fuckin' freezing out and i miss the joys and wonder of the Wildwood, NJ and am in Irish Weekend withdrawal, but i decided add a few things that you will never, ever, EVER have to ask any store owner on any boardwalk that's located in any shore town in the majestic state that is New Jersey. But what do you expect when you walk down the boardwalk and see douchebags with an upside-down backwards visors who's wearing a senior week t-shirt with some sort of mention of a domestic beer on it? Or the skinny kid wearing the wife beater with a tattoo of either:

A.) A cross (i'm sure your mom is real proud of how religious you are).
B.) That bad Goldberg tribal band that i know you completely regret now (and if you dont, then man, you are a piece of shit).
C.) The two hands in prayer position with the rosary hanging off it (again, i'm sure your parents are proud).
D. Chinese symbols that probably actually say shit like "homo", "General Tao", "douche", instead of the "honor", "loyalty", "love" that the tattoo artist told you it meant when he was mysteriously snickering at you while doing his thing.
E.) The name of your ex-girlfriend on your arm that you still probably stalk and call late at night, which you follow wih the quick hang-up
F.)Something ethnic, like a shamrock, map of Italy, or the Puerto Rican flag, even though the odds ar that you can't even speak the language and have never even been to that country.

(.......by the way, add +2 kudo points for these people if they are also wearing those jersey shore long shorts with the parachute strings hanging off the hem, a look that never picked up anywhere else in Western Civilization. But again, the first rule of the Jersey Shore is don't ask question; i'll only confuse you more)

Ok, i got sidetracked, so back to my original point of stuff you never need to ask an shop owner while on the Jersey Shore boardwalk.

- See, i love weed AND heineken... BUT i'm also on senior week... what have you got for me? oh, and i'm partial to lizards "doing it".... Any way to throw that in?

- Listen, my girlfriend needs some booty shorts that say "Joe's Bitch".... but it's also our senior week, what have you got in stock?

- Look, I love this heineken shirt... I just wish it were a jacket...Not a jacket perse, but a Mexican baja jacket.
...And I tell you what, if you could incorporate an American car company? Let's just say you would have my attention...

- Hello boardwalk shop owner, i'm puerto rican and am on a local
drinking team......do you have anything in stock that can reflect this publicly?

- Look, I love smoking pot, I love Chevy and its my senior week.
Pass me that corona.
...Damn bill, you spilled beer on my drinking shirt! Where am I gonna get a new "Official Beer Drinking Shirt" at the Jersey Shore?!?!

- If only this zodiac shirt had a way of showing my love of sexual positions... And my love of smoking pot! Italian guys who drive mustangs love that stuff....

- Hi shopkeep, listen, i really miss those calvin and hobbs comics and i love the insinuation that when one product is superior to another,that said product "urinates" on the competitor......so you got a calvin pissing on a ford sign shirt? and if so, do any of them have calvin wearing a confederate flag in any way?

- So I love confederate flags and American beer... I also love things that are official.
Its my senior week and I'm looking for a way to remember it...
...What do you got?

- Hi there, i'm just looking for a shirt that will always remind me of reasons, preferably ten of them, of why coming to Seaside Heights for senior week was a good idea. any suggestions?

- I love Calvin and Hobbs and I love when they insult commie pinko shitty products like corona...
But listen close, because I'm not saying this twice, but I really like smoking the old reefer... What do you got?

- Yeah, I'm wondering, Do you have any shirts that show my undying allegiance towards Harley Davidson, beer, and possibly martian sex?

- Excuse me sir, i really like it when girls orally please me, but i'm not always sure if the girls i meet know how to do it. you have any t-shirts that points out the way? Maybe something with like an arrow or something?

- Listen, i'm just browsing but i'm really proud of my latino origins and i want to express it to the world; you think you got anything that could do this?

- Hello, I am an alumnus of a large university, and was looking for something with a sexually suggestive "top 10" list on it, which also references my university.... Got anything?

- Look, buddy... I LOVE beer, sex, senior week, and mexican baja jackets....
PLEEASE tell me you have something!

- Hey dude, listen my vocabulary is very very limited and i'm looking for a t-shirt with a ton of expressions and terms for, ummmm, you know, uhhhh, when people go out and drink too much alcohol......yeah that's it! when people get drunk!!!! also, do you have any of these said shirts with cartoons of these people being too drunk? thanks man!
.....and while you're at it, do you have the same motif for hip sexual intercourse terms, preferably with stick figures illustrating different positions?

-(shop owner)"I don't have stick figures but I do have zodiac signs doing it....
...and smoking pot.
But they are in the colors of the italian flag...
Is that ok?

And that's my list.

......or am i just completely jealous because these kids are young and stupid and they're on senior week while i'm old. neither here nor there..... Yeah, i'm fucking bitter at being old.

(Thanks to Paul and Delli for some contributions)