Helpful Tips On How to Never Meet Chris Hansen

(--Dedicated to Nolan Aspell)




"Honey, it's me. Listen, I can't talk right now and believe me, it's all bullshit, but i need you to listen right now. Please wire out $30,000 from Susie's college fund and bring it down to Newark Police Department now! I can't explain right now, but I need you to bail me out!!"


Ever happen to you? Don't want it to happen again? The public embarrassement and scorn of your friends, family, and neighors too much for you to handle? Well, here's some handy tips on how to never meet this guy:



Worse then meeting the Grim Reaper


What I am talking about is in reference to NBC's zaniest new television show "Dateline: To Catch A Predator". Yes, America's best form of unintentional humor is just ruining lives, and awesomely, right in our on living rooms! Honestly, as much as i like to tune in and watch grown men crying while contemplating if suicide is a good option for them now (and all the other silly hijinx), i figure it would keep the playing field a little bit more level to offer some good advice to these guys. You know, keep shit more interesting.

Without further adeiu:

1. For starters, if you're lurking around cyberspace trying to molest a kid, please stop sending them pictures of your weiners or video of you actually pulling on it. Honestly, this move makes no sense. At All. You do not look good spread out naked in your wood-paneled basement while seductivey lying your zebra skin rug sporting a boner. Granted, I have never seen a picture of this myself, but then again, I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take a butcher's word for it (thanks Tommy Boy). Basically, what i'm trying to say is I dont have to actually see you to know that you dont look good naked. Most likely you probaly look flatout gross and repulsive. 99% of all guys do, and honestly, if you were one of those 1%-ers who actually look good (from a chicks point of view), you wouldnt be trolling around the internet looking for underage naive girls; You'd be at the bars picking up a dozen of-age chicks by the bushel. And to top it all off, sending pics like that just add to your jail time. Simply put; pics/videos of chicks fingerblasting away on themselves= awesome, but pics/videos of you going to town on yourself= disgusting/creepy. So all your weirdos please, resist temptation and put your camera phones down on this one. You'll thank me when Chris Hansen pops out of the foyer room on this one.



I should have listened to Marco


2. So you lurk around and have struck up a conversation with xxxAngelEyes94xxx on your IM. And after talking to her for a half hour about how hard her "social studies" class is this year and how much of a bitch her "spelling" teacher Sister Donna Maria is to her, you notice that the convo is staring to get a little "risque". Please, Please, Please:

Do not agree to meet at her house!!!!

Under no circumstances ever meet her there for the first time. Ever. I cant stress this enough. Look, I understand that 12 year olds cant really get around, but just ask her if she can meet you at a McDonald's or a Public Place around her. Hell, go to one of her CYO basketball games against Old Lady of Good Council, just to chek out if she legit. You do this because if she's for real, she'd find a way to meet you out somewhere near her or invite you to a public place, and if it is a sting she would never agree to it. So this move weeds out the "fakers". And if it is a sting, see the cops try and pin you with a rap sheet when all you were doing was meeting a girl at a fastfood place. Those charges won't stick. Again, meet her first to check if she's legit, THEN once you see she's real, put on the moves.



Too easy.

3. This relates back to #2, but until you can check her out and see that she's "legit", do not say or write anything incriminating to her. Be vague, don't say any thing definitive, because if you write "Oh yeah baby, i want your little hands to touch my pee-pee" guess what; you're fucked in a court of law.



Don't tell her this is what you want to do to her.

4. Ok, you check her out, and she seems to be legit, and you're finally going to her house because her folks are in Aspen for a skiing trip. Please don't immediately remove your pants and everything else the second you walk in her front door (hey, this isn't my call; it seems like every other guy on the show takes off all their clothes before they even meet the girl. I don't get it either.) I don't care how much this young'en said she liked you over IM, she isnt going to just want to see you in the buff the second you walk through the front door. It's just a bit too much between strangers. Plus, if somehow you messed up rule #1, #2, #3, the last thing you want is Chris Hansen jumping out of the pantry just to grill you on what you are doing WHILE you're Ass naked on network tv. talk about adding insult to injury; is there anything more pathetic/hysterical then seeing a grown NAKED man cry?



Me and Jon

5. Cancel your subscription to Preteen Magazine ASAP, or at least hide it well. They'll definitely bump up the charges if they find this when they raid your house.



Buy it for the articles, huh?

Anywho, that's my advice. Write it down, put it in your wallet, keep it somewhere close. You never know when it might come in handy.